The game of Life is a miserable, dreary game, a little less exciting than watching water boil.

The game is to be played on one side of a table, while wearing your Sunday best and smiling like loons.

Any family this giddy to play a board game together should make anyone shit their pants with fear.

Opening the box will reveal a complete and utter mess of game pieces, paper-money, and cards, which means it's time to start assigning chores.

James likes sorting the money. He likes it.

James was also lucky enough to be the banker.

The goal of the game is to have horded as much money as possible when you die at the end of the game. A noble goal by any standards, and a applicable life lessson.

Just like real life, you are randomly assigned a profession and salary. If you choose to go to college, then you are able to draw three and choose one.

The decision to go to college or not is the most important in the game, because if you accidently choose career you will lose the game.

I the fool chose career and was stuck as a superstar with the second lowest salary, probably doing gigs in seedy vegas bars as a lounge singer.

James here shows off what his useless college path brought him: a salary more than three times of mine.


Marriage in the game of life is manditory. There is even a little plastic church and then it's the fun of putting another little plastic piece in your plastic station wagon.

You can tell I am clever because I am sleeping in the back seat.

The last 'fun' thing that happens in the game is buying the house.

There is no house searching at all with this process, you randomly pick a house card, and then have to pay the cost. Remember, in life, the goal is to spend as little money as possible.

David gleefully selects the cheapest house, while greg ends up with the most expensive.

Fun game my asshole.

The rest of the game involves a whole lot of yawning while collecting money and life cards:

There was also the option of buying house/auto insurance. The house of geniuses decided to play lady luck and buy none of the sort.

I am pretty sure three of us landed on the tornado space, which forced us to cough up $120,000 each.

Lame ass fucking insurance.

Thanks to my crappy salary and plenty of bad luck I end up with a piddling pile of money.

Life sucks.

The second decision in the game comes at the very end at retirement. You can end up in the Millionare Estates, or Counrtyside Acres, which made no difference to be because I already lost at the beginning of the game.

The most tedious part of the game is counting all the money, and then adding up the money from the life cards. According to my life cards, I became the president, which means nothing to me except I can add another $250,000 to my total.

Noone cared enough about the game to remember who won, so all I am left with is the 'funny fotos' of cleaning of the board, and an upside down tub of sugar.

This game sucks ass.


To Main