If there's one thing my brother and I share, it's an appreciation for fine food. And if there's one food that I love, it's Eggo waffles.

These things seem to constantly be on sale at the nearby Stop and Shop, for a mere 99c per box. At 10 waffles per box, you could pick up four cans on the side of the street to match Kellog's reccomended serving size - just like on the box.

I'm not gonna lie, this box bothers me. First of all, who puts syrup AND butter on top of an eggo? In today's fast paced world, who has the time? And why not spread it around? Whoever's eating that is gonna get a big ol' bite of butter, and probably isn't going to like it.

Also, is it just me, or is the piece on the fork way too small to be from the same eggo? It plays games with your perspective, thanks to poor photoshop work from Kellog.

I imagine Mr Kellog as a grumpy old man, retired from founding the company, but still demands that his name preceed every product. That way, whenever he sees anyone eating a Kellog's product, he can rightfully demand they give it to him.

Remember, you're only borrowing Kellog's products. So eat fast.

I don't know who reccomended that two eggos is the serving size, but it sure as hell wasn't me, or anyone else who has ever been reasonably hungry. The rules for eggos are the same as eggs - three is a good starting place, and you can go up to 5 before breaking the boundary of gluttony. Plus, egg is a substring of eggo, so maybe there's a connection.

Believe me, you'll have plenty of time to contemplate this kind of thing yourself, as we reach the next step:

Toasting.

Depending on the size of your toaster and number of eggos, you may need to get creative with the assortment of eggos. Although the center eggo is getting more attention here, it's better than the alternative.

I'm not going to tell you how long to toast the eggos, because you have to consider the power of the toaster, the freezer-burn of the eggos, and various other factors. So just crank it up and find something else to do.

This is how you stick it to the man - every picture you will ever find of eggos shows the same slab of butter and puddle of syrup. But thanks to that wonderful Aunt Jemima, you get both at once. Maybe you have your own syrup, or some of that delicious natural stuff, but if you ask me, Aunt Jemima's Butter Rich syrup is as delecious as gold.

So now we have exhausted everything there is to entertain ourselves in the kitchen, so we return to the toaster. And true to form, they are not even close to done. So stand around and kill time however you see fit until they're whatever degree of cooked you want.

If I were cooking for royalty, I would take this time to rotate the favored center waffle out of its hot spot, but that kind of thing is hard to justify when you paid about the price of a phone call for a meal.

So now they're done, and we need to start thinking about syrup. Here's where the thinking man is seperated from the caveman and the hard-earned college education pays off. Where the weak are seperated from the strong. Your first instinct may be to stack up the eggos like on the box, and pour syrup on them. I can't tell you how many problems this causes, so just forget it.

I cut it close here, but your goal is the same - spread out the syrup to the edges, but make sure there's no overflow. This will be obvious later.

Stack up the pieces, laying down syrup after each waffle. Once you put down the last piece, leave the top dry. That's right, we're gonna pick up this sucker.

I can't even begin to describe the advantages of doing it this way. There's no silverware, no awkward cutting of giant waffle stacks, no problems trying to skewer all the waffles with whatever shoddy forks you have lying around, and if you use a paper plate, there's absolutely no cleanup.

Make sure you flip it when you pick it up. By now the bottom is soaked, and you don't want to messy your pretty hands with it - the whole point is to not get up again.

That's it. Make sure you make a crazy face when you eat. The whole meal costs less than 4 seconds of counsel with OJ Simpson's Lawyer, and leaves your hands clean enough to do surgery.

to main