Pots and pans!

A whole pile of them! All gathered together to poach eggs all together like suckers. Up to 3 eggs in the larger pot and a single egg in the smaller. All made as metal attachments, small enough to be stored away in the broiler or left in the drying rack with all your other miserable cutlery.

I will now show you why only suckers and assholes will use pots or pans to poach eggs. And why when you use them now you end up feeling like a fool.

Because things like this exist! HA yes. Look at this amazing thing. Sold in the UK for nine "pounds" each. In the company's own words:

This is a clever product that allows the user to simply crack an egg into the mastrad poachers and then holding the silicone branch lower the egg poacher into boiling water, creating perfect healthy eggs everytime

Or the 'poachpod', also from the UK. I am confidant that this will one day change the history of breakfasts in the same way the Earl of Sandwich changed the history of lunches.

Is anyone here beieng kept up all night, googling furiously, trying to find some way to create egg-shaped poached eggs? Or maybe you just have too much cabinet space. These utensials here can fix both problems at once. A giant egg shaped stone smashing 2 birds to death at the same time. Highly reccomended.

People in the future are going to use this to poach eggs. The Maverick. The majority of us just aren't ready for something as fancy as this right now, but trust me. We will all be using this one day. SO If you want to look like you are poaching eggs in the future, pick this one.

This is it. This is, without a doubt the most effecient way to poach eggs. The Back to Basics poacher-toaster. Found in any kitchen appliances department of most modern super stores.

Like Bed Bath and Beyond.

Here I am, holding the box in a Bed Bath and Beyond store.

The user guide is loaded with giant pictures and easy to follow instructions to show off the exceptional robustness of the appliance. So simple!

The Lid is connected to the Warming Tray

The Warming Tray is connected to the Poaching Tray

The Poaching tray is conncted to the Steamer Tray

The Steamer Tray is connected to the Heating Tray

The Heating Tray is connected to the Toaster

And the Measuring Cup gets lost.

There a number of recipies in the end though most of them require 2 or more poached eggs at the same time. Tho since a machine can only handle 1 poaching at a time all are useless except for the front featured Egg Meat and Bread:

Admittidly, there is one thing missing from this ez-2-rheed-ghrafek. CHEESE. The say nowhere that cheese should be used but it's a good thing I have done some experimenting and found that adding cheese to egg does makes it better.

So get ready because there is a maneuver coming up that is going to send thousands of heads spinning off their necks.

And here it is. The machine will sit pleasently on any kitchen surface. It's not that much bigger than a regular, naked toaster and only slightly smaller than a toaster oven. Though it is much more selfcontained than your average microwave.

We keep ours and two other gizmos sitting on a rotting particleboard table.

The water tray. Before we begin, we need to fill the steam tray with water. Which leads me to the ONE TINY gripe I have with this toaster- is that there is no way to detach your steam tray from the toaster. Which means it will never get a thorough cleaning. So what happens is that grease and spilled egg will accumulate and burn to the base, which throws off the precision of the measuring cup which leads imperfect egg sandwiches.

Then, an egg.

Jam your thumb in the egg and watch it all spew all into the poaching tray. Also be sure to give the tray a healthy coat of margerine. Or else use Pam.

And here is that trick I warned you about! It's back oh yes.

The tried and true 'Add Cheese' maneuver.

Just take a handfull of cheese and throw it in with the egg. T-t-t-th-t-that's all folks. Cheese for the win yet again. Added bonues with using peppironi is that it will drip meat-grease into this concoction creating a minature omelette.

We've got our cheese, we've got our steam cover. We're got our peppironi and our muffins. It's time to press the Egg / Toast button.

And Go

now just wait. I'm not totally sure how long this takes. A few minutes about. All I know is when the eggs are about done, the toast will pop up. Though the toaster is fairly shitty, which usually means a quick 30 seconds of toasting while the steam dissipates.

The egg/cheese mess, the pepperoni and the muffin. The dish is hot as heck though, so unless you had the pan, you might be forced to use a single utensil to get the egg out. Or else just bang it loudly against the plate.

Also be sure to throw in your salt, pepper, Frank's, or whatever else you eat on your eggs.

There it is all put together for you. It's all for you and no one else because this will only make one egg sandwich at a time.

O Yes. One delecious egg sandwich at a time. Setting new standards for all egg sandwiches for all the world for all time. This meal has literally become for me a culinary ideal, by which from now on I will compare to every egg sandwich I eat henceforth. All together in the span of a commercial break.

Another neat thing this gizmo can do is steam boil eggs. So here I am soft boiling some eggs.

I've never actually had a soft boiled egg before so I am really not sure if this is what it should looks like, but I suspect it isn't. I want to blame it on the measuring cup but it is probably the caked grease in the boiler. I don't know but it doesn't matter. Soft or hard, all eggs turn into the same thing at the end of the journey of food.

Which is poop.

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