Refrigerators are great for storing all sorts of strange hilarious novelties. Old meat lurking in the dark damp corners, sticky produce left in forgotten crisper drawers. Strange, sort-of empty jars of all sorts, each festering its own self-contained microcosm of the wonders of life and biology.
All working together to create a crappy new article:
Cleaning the fridge is not a fun chore, but it is a satisfying one. I hate to call it NECESSARY but sometimes I do wonder if there is a refrigerator ecology brewing away in there. Where grapefruit mold (for example) might be contaminating the kielbasa. Or if old rotted chicken breasts might be sucking some of the freshness out of that open Fois Gras. It's all very mysterious I agree, so it's not that bad a thing to clean every so often.
Besides that, garbage takes up valuable square footage.
So lets begin.
Items featured in order of removal:
Grapefruit
These grapefruit had been sitting in the crisper drawer for months. I know this because I bought them months ago. There were originally 3 in the set but the first one was underripe, bitter, and dry, so I left the rest to sit and think about it for a while. They are now officially gross.
VERDICT: TOSS
Old Olives from Rachael's Corner
Again these are months old, bought by me. The best olives to get are the pitted ones with little hot peppers in them you see, but they were out, so I got the pitted ones with cheese & sweet peppers. I know now that the second choice for olives are the small dill unpitted ones, or just about any from the 'variety' section. I could talk all day about olives.
Nevertheless, these were bad olives to begin with, and age never seems to help these sort of situations so good riddance to bad rubbish.
VERDICT: TOSS
Ketchup
Long stale ketchup sitting in long forgotten ketchup bottles. Personally, I would trust the ketchup, yes, but we need to be ruthless with this mission. Away they must be thrown.
There will always be more ketchup because it is plentiful and cheap. Never forget ketchup.
VERDICT: TOSS
Various Beers
Beer in the fridge should be saved. No matter the variety it will always be drunk. The one exception to this rule is if they are uncovered like our 'Anchor Porter' friend. I don't know who owned what, but I probably bought the Zywiec Porter. The Yuenglings could have been anyones, and the rest are either Bens or Dylans.
VERDICT: KEEP
Amish Eggs
I am almost sure these are Bens. I can't say for sure, but I know for a fact that I don't buy cage-free eggs. From what I understand, chickens are fairly evil towards each other. Besides that, it's awfully hard to change habits and NOT buy the least expensive item every time I'm in the market for eggs. The moral of the story is that these eggs hadn't expired yet so there was no reason to throw them away.
VERDICT: KEEP
Family's Pierogi
Pierogi make fine meals, appetizers, side dishes, midnight snacks, breakfasts, or novelty food. They can be used as a starch in any 'slaw-like' meal, replacing the roll-the-dice rice, the annoying potatoes, or the tired noodles.
These pierogi were less than a week young. Available varieties were mushroom & sauerkraut, and potato & onion. No reason to destory.
VERDICT: KEEP(note: the potato & onion were eaten, the sauerkraut & mushroom were left to grow mold)
Margarine
This weird margarine still seems good. I don't know if margarine can go bad anyway, but I've used this for frying and there is still plenty left. Only fools would toss away a fine bin of margarine.
VERDICT: KEEP
Parmesan Cheese
This cheese seems sort of new and isn't rotting away at least. I didn't buy it, but if I did, I would be sad if someone else threw it away. Besides, I might end up borrowing some of this in the future.
VERDICT: KEEP
Brisk Iced Tea
I'm pretty sure this is Robs. But I don't know if this was bought as a mixer or what. All I know is that I didnt see the point in throwing it away so I just kept it instead.
VERDICT: KEEP(note: this was later found in the freezer
Gross Steak
Yeah this was mine. I was obvisouly going to eat it but I didn't. Instead, it was left here and it rotted and rotted. This thing was amazing, and we probably should have studied it but instead I threw it away. Goodbye my steak, goodbye.
VERDICT: TOSS
Brita Water Filter
Our useless, useless Brita Water Filter. This existed before I was here so this might be one of the very first things ever bought when Ben & Dylan moved in. The problem, you see, is the damn filter always needs replacing, which is like $15-$20 a pop so of course it never gets replaced.
And another thing that I don't get is that even when the filter is working, there will be little charcoal flakes ending up in your cup of water. So if the charcoal is supposed to remove the impurities from the water, doesn't it screw everything up by dropping the charcoal back INTO your drinking glass??
And then lets assume that you live in a dirty, dingy apartment. You just have to wonder how often this thing gets cleaned. I remember the one time I opened it up and cleaned it, I realized that it probably hadn't ever been cleaned and was coated in grime. Grimy water. Grimy filter. All for a big glass of charcoal-water.
At the same time, this is not mine. And it exists. So keep it I must.
VERDICT: KEEP
Unopened milk
Unopened milk due to expire December 22. These pictures were taken before December 22, which means this milk was safe and ready-to-drink. Easy Peezy.
VERDICT: KEEP
Pio Pio Rico meal
One day, Ben came back with a menu in hand for this crazy Peruvian restaurant called Pio Pio Rico. I swear to you that my life hasn't been the same since. Their specialty is chicken with rice & beans but they serve plenty of other wacky meals.
I can't tell what exactly this meal was supposed to be, or who bought it, or exactly how old it was. All I know is that I had been looking at it every time I opened the fridge for the past week so I suspected that it was never going to get eaten.
VERDICT: TOSS
Jar of Mayo (small)
This Jar of mayonnaise was small and relatively new. I don't really eat mayonnaise anyway so I wasn't too concerned about keeping it or whatever.
VERDICT: KEEP
Horizon Organic Milk (old)
Milk in NYC is very annoying to buy because it will always curdle well before the expiration date. I suspect this is due to shipping requirements or something of the like. There are few ready-to-milk cows here (unlike Wisconsin). Also I can't imagine organic milk will keep any better than good old fashioned regular milk.
From what I remember, this organic milk was old. I'm not sure whose it is but I don't buy organic milk ever so I imagine that it is either Ben's or Dylan's. My vote would swing to Ben, only because he seems to like fruity organic products. Regardless, one sniff told me that it must be destroyed.
VERDICT: TOSS
Gulden Brown Mustard
I prefer brown mustard to yellow. I am not convinced it keeps any better, but at least the brown mustard has a little more 'flavor'. This specific bottle didn't seem to have an expiration date or any signs of going bad, so in it stays.
VERDICT: KEEP
Horizon Organic Milk (new)
Same rant as before... etc etc. Except this is unopened and pre-expiration date. Hence, keep.
VERDICT: KEEP
Good Old Fashioned Eggs
My eggs. These are the cheapest eggs that natural Garden sells, so I buy them. Also I'm not convinced that eggs have the potential to expire, so these eggs were prime for keeping.
Yeah eggs!!
VERDICT: KEEP
Butter Rinds
The lowly ends of old sticks of butter. Coated in dirty wax paper and speckled with bread crumbs. I might have bought these I don't know, but logic tells me that they are not ever going to get used. So I toss them.
VERDICT: TOSS
Horizon Organic Butter
More Horizon Organic product. Variety: Butter. Inside this box were two unused sticks, which means I grade them A-OK
VERDICT: KEEP
Kraft American Cheese Singles (12 Pack)
Kraft has been the cheap cheese factory for about as long as anyone (me) can remember. My main interaction has been with their macaroni and cheeses, and I loved the hell out of them. I remember ex-roomate Anders used to have to piss out his bum every time he ate one of those blue box delights, and he has eaten a lot of boxes.
PISS COMING FROM MY ASS!!!
Lastly- DID YOU KNOW that Canadians consume more Kraft Dinner per capita than any other nationality on Earth? It's true. I just thought that's amazing. And i bet you thought all those Terrance and Phillip jokes are just made up.
Regardless, whoseever cheeses these are, they are unopened. So they will stay not-destroyed.
VERDICT: KEEP
New Onion
An fresh onion sitting alone in a bag. I know it is fresh because this was the first time I've seen it, so in it stays.
VERDICT: KEEP
Walnut Acres Organic Tomato Soup
I don't know whose this is, but I found it in the fridge unopened. I am also not sure that refrigerating cans is necessary but sometimes people just say, 'What the hay.' I left the can in here, because I figured that if there was any type of canned soup that would need to be refrigerated, it would be organic.
VERDICT: KEEP
Half of butter
A whole half! Butter is a fine thing to not throw away because it's made of fat. Butter going bad would have to be really old butter. Much much older than this. Much older.
VERDICT: KEEP
Blue Cheese Dressing
This is still here. I forgot if I threw this out actually and it's still here, so I didn't throw it out.
And that's all I have to say about that.
VERDICT: KEEP
Tortillas
These tortillas weren't mine and we had too much room in the fridge for such nonsense items. Besides, at this point I had been digging through the back of the fridge for some time and this was in the +1 month old section.
VERDICT: TOSS
Hellman Mayonnaise (large)
This mayonnaise was further back in the fridge, which means it is seemingly older. Also there was less. All signs point to TOSS.
VERDICT: TOSS
Old salsa jars and Classico Alfredo
Lots of old jars all filled with 1/3 mold and sauce mixtures. All deemed nasty and thrown away with great prejudice.
VERDICT: TOSS
Hummus
I actually remember buying this in June/July. I remember because it was extremely hot out and at one point I was at one point eating this on the roof. Its a foggy memory, but clear enough to let me know that this is almost 6 months old and deserves to be destroyed.
VERDICT: TOSS
Mini Carrots
DID YOU KNOW that baby carrots are not made of baby carrots, but instead are long fully grown carrots that are chopped into tiny bits with all their ends rounded?
Now you do.
Also know what these carrots were? You guessed it. Old. They were also discarded.
VERDICT: TOSS
Breakstone's Butter
A whole unopened quarter pound of butter, ripe for the using, ready to be used.
Its hard not to have enough butter.
VERDICT: KEEP
Classico Pasta Sauce
Garlic flavored pasta sauce, 1/4 left. How old this is I can't say, but i suspect its over a month. I've thrown away enough old jars at this point anyway so away it goes. Destroyed forever.
VERDICT: TOSS
Garlic (with growth)
An old clove of garlic with some healthy growths. I don't think I've ever seen garlic grow before to tell the truth. Potatoes? Sure, all the time. Onions too. But garlic has always just rotted away, turning mushy then gray. Maybe this particular clove had an overwhelming urge to grow alive and free. Who knows. It is destroyed now.
VERDICT: TPSS
Garlic (no growth)
More garlic left to either grow, rot, or get eaten. None of these cloves are bad, so there's no reason to throw them away.
VERDICT: KEEP(note: these were later discarded)
Babuni Majonez
I am not totally sure what Babuni Majonez is. Majonez is the polish translation of Mayonnaise, but Babuni seems to be a name or something. At least that's what 30 seconds at google told me.
For all I know, this was in the fridge before we even moved in.
I'm sure that no one is ever going to miss this ever.
VERDICT: TOSS
Chinese Food Leftovers
Ben's I'm sure of it. Or maybe Rob's I don't know. Either way this is fridge cleaning time and I have no idea how old this is. Weeks maybe. Also the damned sweet & sour sauce got all over the floor & garlic which means I had to spend precious seconds cleaning it up. This was thrown away in anger.
VERDICT: TOSS
Half of onion
Like the new onion before, this onion was brand new. No reason to throw it out.
VERDICT: KEEP(note: this item was later discarded)
Old Expired milk
This milk was expired for at least 2 weeks. I might have bought it but I don't care because it is not going to get used.
VERDICT: TOSS
Bag of Something
This is an interesting one . A half gelatinated orange-red mass of something in the absolute back of the forgotten section of the fridge.
I am honestly not sure if this came from produce or meat, but if I had to guess I would say it's a long rotted chicken breast. Though this seems awfully liquidly for a chicken breast. Plus it's in a produce bag. So really I have no idea what it might be.
No idea at all.
VERDICT: TOSS
Farmland 1% milk
Groady old milk that's long been sitting in the back of the fridge. Real groadylike. I can't recall the expiration but I am sure that it was long expired.
VERDICT: TOSS
Hot Banana Peppers
I remember that this jar of peppers was the among the first things I ever bought after moving into this apartment, 6+ months ago. Why I decided I needed banana peppers I don't know. Maybe Natural Gardens and all their exotic Polish jars of whatever were too strong for me and I remembered those delicious banana peppers they serve at Subway.
These were bad banana peppers. Straight up bad. Soggy and tasteless. So what did I do? I pushed the jar to the back of the fridge and ignored it for months. Until now, when it gets tossed in our oversized trash barrel.
VERDICT: TOSS
Boar's Head Mustard
This is good mustard actually. I don't know who bought this but I am pretty sure those darkened blots in the bottle are either mold or giant bacteria colonies. So I deem it gone baby, gone.
VERDICT: TOSS
Jar of olives
I don't know who bought this either but its an old nasty jar of olives that was really gross infact. I sort of regret not opening it- because I'm sure that it would be filled with nasty clumps of mold and fungus... but there is only so much nasty you can push with a website.
I wonder how close I am.
VERDICT: TOSS
Mysterious Jam
At one point I'm sure this was a delicious jam. Real deliciouslike. This jam might have been made with the freshest and ripest blackberries available. After all it says 100% Fruit right on the front. What I'm not convinced of is that this jam isn't rotting away and deserves to be tossed. So that's what happened.
VERDICT: TOSS
Pesto
I bought this delicious pesto sauce. It isn't really as old as it looks. I remember the last time I used this was for some excellent pasta with oil and capers. An excellent substitute to standard tomato pasta sauce.
You can put that in your big book of little protips.
VERDICT: TOSS
Jar of Garlic
Ex-roomate Jay was the one to introduce me to these little jars of wonder and they make sense from both an economic & logistic standpoint. If I buy this, I get pre chopped, ready-to-cook garlic bits that will last for months. This jar was around two months old but I had the utmost confidence in keeping it. Hurray for garlic.
VERDICT: KEEP
V8
Old V8 sitting in the fridge. I remember this was once used for Bloody Marys, but had long been forgotten. Goodbye V8.
VERDICT:
Mysterious Bag of Something 2
I didn't actually even notice this funny little thing until I was almost totally done with the whole cleaning process. I can't really say what this was, but it appears to be a bag of produce that probably fell off the top shelf at some point, got stuck to the back of the fridge, and was left to fester.
Goodbye, Bag of Something 2.
VERDICT: TOSS
Kielbasa
Kielbasa is my new 'wonder food'. It can be used on anything from omelets to stir fry. Eat it on sandwiches or just take a big cold bite of it. It's totally up to you.
This was a relatively new purchase so it stayed intact.
VERDICT: KEEP
Drawer of Various Garbage
Blaugh. From what I can see, there is cheese, tortillas, and an old can of Fois Gras. Old old Fois Gras. At this stage of cleaning I just wanted to be done with it all, so the whole thing dumped the whole thing in the trash. So long suckers. I'm done cleaning. Done done done done done and done. No more ever.
So long and good riddance
VERDICT: TOSS
And that's it. The only moral of the story I am gonna push is 'Own Gigantic Trash Bins'. Swear to god seriously.